The Internet Explorer

You must be wondering about the lack of shits recently.

a) I lost my fingers ice skating… I fell.. and… and.. that bloody girl was skating so fast… the iceblades…chopped ma FINGERSSS !!!!……..sob. That’s why I couldn’t blog. I am currently typing with my tongue. Yeehhck.

b) I died. Saving a 10 year old boy who was foolishly picking up a ball in the street. The cars were coming in on him, I dived in and pushed him away… and I got mowed down by 2 cars.. going each in the opposite direction. Splitting up in two isn’t fun. Somehow I am blogging from the heavens. We just got broadband.

c) I was chopping vegetables…. and suddenly the kitchen exploded and the burning vegetables flew at my eyeballs and made me blind. So I couldn’t blog for a while. But now a speech recognizing program can type all my words ! Wait.. or maybe it was that nuclear bomb I tested. I can’t tell. My brain is so screwed up.

d) I realised that I achieved my goal and decided to stop writing for a while. The point was to make people explore the internet…. and have fun. Also, to see how many people would love reading shit. At hundred+ new readers per week, and 10 thousand+ readers, it’s amazing. I achieved my goal. As the saying goes, all good shit must end. We prove it everyday in the toilet. But do not fear, I will shit. One day. A good shit is yet to come, I can feel it rumbling in me.

PS : Oh, it’s just chocolate ice cream up there. Don’t be insane, I did not just shit into a bowl and took a picture of it. I pity you if you couldn’t tell the difference. How the hell do you manage to lick your chocolate ice cream I haven’t the slightest idea.

A lot of people read newspapers. I, of course, being THE INTERNET EXPLORER reads the majority of my news online.

Seriously, I laugh at every person I see buying the paper newspaper. Reading the news online is free, faster, easier, and there are videos available as well.

To People Who Still Reads Traditional Newspapers :

HA HA HA HA HAH HAHAHAHAHAHH YOU SUCK.

But online newspapers lacks the one quality of a traditional “newspaper”.

Where’s the daily comics for the “online newspapers” ??

I’d like to think that after reading about all the pure shit in the world (important so that you know your shit), there should be some good shit to enjoy too.

It’s all about balance I tell yah.

So being the great and kind person I am, I’ll recommend an online newspaper comic database for those of you who are missing out on the good stuff.

Click : Awesome List of a bunch of newspaper comics !

By the way.

The top 3 among my list of newspaper comics is dilbert, foxtrot, and calvinandhobbes.
Neutralize the pure shit with good shit, people !

Congratulations, now you can fully enjoy the experience of the NEWSPAPER, online.

This is the survey I created a long time ago. I was annoyed that there were so many stupid surveys out there in friendster and facebook, where people would answer questions about themselves, believing that people will actually give a damn.

Who gives a damn whether you cried recently ??  

So I unleashed a new type of survey, something people will actually read. Something that actually entertains. Something that will turn over your brains.

Yes, little boys and girls, I present to you.

The Survey That Matters.

This are all real world situations that might happen to you one day.

This are the important questions and situations you will face one day.

This are situations that can only be dealt with properly with good brains, and a little courage.

Will you have what it takes to do what you need to do ?

Feel free to copy the questions, answer and post it in the comments.

What Would You Do? 

1. You and your best male friend are walking by a  beach.  All of the sudden, your friend yells in pain !!! You see a snake hanging by his “penis” !!  He  whacks the snake away and unzips, and the skin that  was bitten turns purple..!!  It’s poisonous.  He looks at  you with eyes pleading for help, there’s only one way  out.  Suck it out with your mouth.  Would you ??

 This sucks.  It’s my best friend, man.  I’ll chop it off with  a knife.  Problem solved.  And then give him some  super glue. Ahahha !! No wait !!  Find a prostitute to  do a emergency blowjob !! Yeahhh….  

2.  You’re swimming in a swimming pool in the night, with another lady in there.  She suddenly have leg cramps, and starts to sink.  You save her, and found out that she inhaled too much water.  She can’t breath.  About to commit CPR… you realize that she  has pimples and blisters all over her lips. Would  you ??

I would…. take a newspaper, roll it into a cylinder, and blow it hard like hell into her mouth.  Problem solved. Or a hammer to the stomach. 

3.  Your cousin, a 1 year old baby is being babysitted  by you.  All of the sudden she starts crying.  She’s wheezing for breath.  You find out that her nose is stuck with mucus, and desperately try to make her blow it out with a tissue.  No good.  She’s too young. Only one other option.  YOU SUCK THE MUCUS OUT DIRECTLY.  Would you ?? 

Goddamnit……………….I’ll fucking shut my eyes and  just do it.  It’s a baby’s life after all.  And I have some orange flavored listerine to wash my mouth after this…ordeal.

 4.  You and your brother/sister are playing outside.   You guys are wearing short pants.  A YELLOW  POISONOUS BUMBLE BEE APPEARS, and stings  your brother/sister’s asshole !! You know where we’re going with this by now.  Would you…?? 

Asshole.. poison sting.. huh.  I’ll run back home as soon as possible, get my trusty vacuum cleaner, and  SUCK THE SHIT AND POISON OUTTA MY  BROTHER !!  Phew. I won’t be sucking on nobody’s asshole !!

  5.  You and a friend a climbing a snow mountain.   ALL OF THE SUDDEN YOU SEE A WAVE OF SNOW COMING AT YOU.  You and your friend ran and ducked under a rock.  You’re now covered with thick piles of snow.  Your friend hit his head on the  tone.  He is dying slowly.  5 days passes…. he is on the verge of dying.  He tells you jokingly, “eat me if I die, yeah ?  I don’t want you to die of hunger, ever.” He then dies.  Now you’re dying from starvation.   Rescuers are trying their best to reach you.  You  need to survive for a bit longer.  His arm looks appetizing.  Looks like KFC.  Would you ?? 

Holy shit.  Aaa……… depends.  Do I have a knife and fork with me ?  Ahahahah.  I would do it.  Life is worth fighting for, and my friend wouldn’t mind.  He’s dead, anyways.  He would want me to survive, and I will try my best to do so. I just hope his parents will let me go to his funeral.

I just watched Casino Royale, the latest 007 Bond movie.

No, no, I didn’t watch it because of the action or the absense of pussybonds. (yes, the great 007 is finally muscular)

That’s what a cold blooded assassin should be. Cool. Strong. Manly. MUSCLES.

What the fuck…. ? Where’s the muscle ?

WHAT THE FUCKK……!!!??? FLABBY ARMS !!

Oh god mah eyeballs hurt !!!

Anyways.

I watched the movie because I was promised one thing.

The birth of James Bond, the 007 agent.

Yes, it was that simple. And the sex scene with the Bond girls was a small motivation too.

In the beginning of the movie he said all it took was two kills, to be a double-O agent.

Obviously that’s a lie, a hidden veil to cover the REAL reason how Bond became the famous 007 agent.

I mean, the number of people he’s killed is uncountable. His piercing blue eyes is enough to cause an heart attack of an elderly gay man staring from far far away. Please. 2 people killed just to be a double-O agent ? No way. Too easy.

If you’ve seen the movie, think about it.

What is the most famous trait about the 007 agent ? What defines the very essence of every James Bond ?

No, it’s not like he’s famous for his awesome kungfu and gun skills.

We have Jackie Chan and Rambo for that.

It’s his tradition of sleeping with various girls in his Bond career. Why else would there be a new Bond Girl in every single damn film ?

He does this with utter confidence that one does not see often.

Not a care in the world.

He lives by the simple rule, “I came, I saw, I banged.”

And how did he get that confidence is really, REALLY THE BEGINNING OF THE 007 LEGACY.

I’ll tell you now. But you might want to watch the movie to see it for yourself.

James Bond’s balls got crushed.

Yes, you actually see this on the movie, on a torture scene where he laughs.

He laughs happily at the torturer who was smacking his balls with a whip-like-device. REALLY. IN THE MOVIE.

With a crushed ball, he can never make a women pregnant. Which is why he dares to sleep with so many different women !! There’s no fear of having to be RESPONSIBLE.

To think that the birth of the 007 agent was a set of crushed balls.

Somehow I don’t feel the “coolness” of saying the magic words anymore.

Each time I say, “The name’s Bond, James Bond.”

I think “The name’s Ball, Jabbed Ball.”

Goddamnit.

Once upon a time ago, a strange thing happened at Technorati.

(an internet search engine for blogs).

The no.1 search was Dawn Yang.

Immediately I thought to myself, “who the hell is this person ? Why is she the number one searched person ??”

So then I did what any sane internet explorer would do. I googled Dawn Yang.

And I found the blog of this girl.

So it’s a pretty girl. Figures. But why all the attention ? There are plenty of beautiful female bloggers.

I then found out that there was a controversy of whether she went through plastic surgery to enhance her looks. Dawn Yang completely denies this.

In other words, people who have been ogling at that beautiful face for months realized that they were looking at silicone instead of human skin. Or maybe people are just jealous idiots. Or maybe this world is full of immature idiots who can’t accept the fact that people enhance their looks.

I mean, we see people like that everyday on television. Actors aren’t born with good looks too often, you know.

Anyways I’ll leave you the power to be an immature idiot for once.
This is one of her pictures in the past.

And now let’s compare again with this.

Hmmmm. Is that really the result of plastic surgery ?

I will now perform my highly exclaimed born male ogling analysis.

Her skin turned much fairer ! But a good session of peeling your skin off with your bare hands and growing it back can do that.

Her eyes are bigger and and eyelashes looks dazzling ! But she could’ve punched her eyeballs repeatedly to enlarge them. And eyelashes can be buffed up with ordinary makeup.

Her eyebrows are so in line with her eyes ! But a good clipper with proper hand dexterity and a mirror can do that.

Her lips look so hot and sexy ! But stretching and pulling her lips for years can do that.

Her boobs are bigger ! But a good smacking of one own boobs with a hammer can do that.

So really, she might just be the original stuff.

Then again, if she really went through plastic surgery, it does not change the fact that she is beautiful.

I think it takes a lot of courage and commitment (and money) to ask a doctor to cut your face. But it also takes a lot of stupidity, in Michael Jackson’s case.

We all want to be beautiful.

That’s why we shave our excess hair and mess with our hair every morning. Some dares to take it to the next level. That’s the simple truth.

Consider a world where women don’t give a shit about being beautiful. I’m talking about streets filled with walking monsters with bushy armpit hairs and unshaved legs, combined with earthquakes resulting from all the fat and thick moustaches that shames the men’s, it’s a total nightmare.

All this proves a certain fact, plastic surgery rocks.

Then again, I’m biased as hell.

I mean, I myself went through surgery.

Now I look like the combination of Brad Pit, Tom Cruise and George Clooney. And I also got a new 15-inch cock. My pants is the hottest pants you will ever see.

I’m still running away from hundreds of girls who wants to rape me.

Click : Dawn Yang’s Blog

Click : A more detailed bitching of her looks

I’m sure all of us internet explorers has youtubed.

You know, the popular free video sharing Web site which lets users upload, view, and share video clips ?
You know, the one having idiots roaming everywhere in the cyberspace ?

Whether it’s the american pokemon singing idiots or the chinese backstreet boys singing idiots, all the idiots are here in one online package for you to enjoy.

One thing that not many people know is that there are various alternatives to waste your time watching idiots online.

(There are actually many other mediums to watch videos.)

Some of them have so much more idiots in it. In other words, Youtube isn’t very fun compared with various video mediums online.

Let’s look at Metacafe.com.

By far it’s my favorite road to video entertainment.

That’s because it’s so easy to get the good stuff. The most viewed, top rated videos, are on the main page. On Youtube, you would actually have to click, like, 4 more times to get to the good stuff.

And the material at Youtube is not really entertaining. It is getting more commercialized and having less insane videos. Where’s my idiots ?

Okay, okay, so you might argue that I’m a big fat lazy bum with a fat finger and Youtube rules.

You bloody idiot. Metacafe is really better, you know. It’s so much more fun.
I shall do a direct comparison at this exact moment.
This are Metacafe videos. (on the main page)

This are Youtube videos. (on the main page)

So you see, Metacafe has much more packaged entertaining material.

But hey, don’t take my word for it like a dumbass. Try it for yourself and you decide.

Explore Metacafe !

Other than that, there are plenty more mediums to choose from.

Explore Go Fish !
Explore Google Video!
Explore Break !
Explore Filmmaker’s Heaven !

Hope you have an even more awesome video sharing experience.

Do you know about the website that hosts various flash animations and games (made by various talented people) ?

Yeah, the one that allows its users to submit their own flash movies, games, and music, and view submissions from other users ?

The one with 1 million registered members and over 300,000 flash submissions ?

The one that has so many animations and bullshit, enough to waste your entire life on it ?

The one that has so many cool animations you never thought was possible with just flash ?

I’m talking about Newgrounds.

The website has been up since 1995, with Tom Fulp, who still maintains every aspect and regularly produces in-house content.

There’s one distinct thing about this website compared with other flash websites.

It has a sophisticated and impartial automated submission/rating system.

I have to warn you. Don’t click on that link up there yet. Don’t.

This knowledge is dangerous. You may be trapped there forever !!
Think about the 300,000 flash animations available there……!
Damn it, I might be creating a new spawn of fat bums with carpal tunnel syndrome.

But hey, it’s worth it.

Before you go venture into the world of endless flash animation, let me give you a few links of the really awesome ones you gotta see. Oh, oh yes, there’s violence and gore.

MADNESS.

Brutal Stickmen.

Cute Bunnies Play.

Cute Bunnies Play Somemore.

White Bunny…!! Noo!!.

The rest of the awesome flash animations are usually categorized as Series.

Oh.

If I see any of you dying over the computer on the news, with the title “Idiot died watching animation non-stop for days without shitting”

I’ll laugh at you.

A long time ago I realized that teachers don’t have a clue of how students think.

This happened on one morning in a lecture class, where students was either slumping on the chair, dead asleep. Or half asleep, struggling to keep those eyelids open.

As the professor talked and talked and wrote on the board, he suddenly said,

I see that many of you are bored. I guess this material is too easy. Good. Very good.
It’s a sign that you’ve mastered the subject when you’re already bored of it.

Me and the other students suddenly woke up from dreamland, amazed by the sudden stupidity we have just witnessed. We stared at each other and gave each other a small grin.

This professor thought that a bunch of sleepyheads were hardworking students who were bored of a subject that was too easy. And this was a college professor.

Anonymous Hardworking Student.
This professor had the idea that all students are hardworking. Oh boy this idiot have no idea. We students are the equivalent of pigs. Lazy pigs that only start to run and work if you feed us shit.

Some teachers are copymachines. They copy whatever is on the textbook and then the students write them down in their notes without a clue what it means. Where’s the teaching ?

But then again we students have the tendency to point our fingers to the nearest teacher we can find instead of ourselves.

Teachers are like charcoal. They help you, a small fire to burn. But you are the fire, you yourself have the responsibility to burn things, see. So students must have the responsibility of studying themselves, the teacher can only help.

But most of us are lazy bums. We don’t want to be responsible. It’s not a strong sense of motivation. So what can we do to be successful in school ? Simple, have a strong sense of motivation to do whatever you need to do no matter how hard it would be.

Motivation is key to anything. There are 2 types of motivation in use in current schools.

The kiss my ass motivation. They pamper you with points and bribe you with goodies to study. But this backfires. In time students start to think they must be rewarded with something to study. This creates greedy pighumans, and schools can’t feed them forever. Then students revert to pigs.

The grade motivation. Getting an ‘A’ is a sure-fire way to make you feel good. It’s a great system for better than average students. But what about students that lack the preparation and skills needed ? One ‘F’ is a sure-fire way to lower down their sense of brains esteem.
Perhaps one would say that failure will motivate them to study harder.
But failure motivates one to quit school and jump down buildings later too.
It’s bad for weak students.

So the two types of motivation in use isn’t perfect. So here I would like to contribute a whole new system of motivation to use in school.

The kick ass motivation.
Yeah, I’m talking about competition. Students will be categorized into different levels of development. Then they will be taught to kick each other’s asses. (studying)So the students will try their best to kick each other’s asses and all students will improve no matter who wins. This is fair to weak students too, because they are kicking asses in the same level of development.The desire to compete and win against someone who is almost at the same level as you is a powerful one.Also, students can kick the teacher’s asses. It would bring the students and teachers closer. It’s a fun activity too.In conclusion, the kick ass system, kicks ass.I hope you realize by now that the kick ass term I am using here is about studying hard to show how awesome you are to other students ?

But then again I could see teachers kicking the ass of students. Immediate, effective shameful punishment.

Yeah, kicking ass could be an improvement of the old butt slapping punishment too !

It’s a perfect improvement of the school system, don’t you think ?

Studying kicks ass.

Is there a blog that can save a person’s life, or make it feel better ?

What if the person is a person who is experiencing regret, guilt, sadness, depression, anger, and other negative emotions and is on the tip of a building wondering how their bodies would look like at the ground later ?

What if the person is so tortured by it’s innermost secrets and is contemplating suicide ?

Yes. There is one.

The one and only, PostSecret blog.

The blog invites anyone to send a creatively made truthful postcard with your secret written on it. And then it posts it up for everyone to see, without revealing the true identity of the person who submitted it.

It’s real life secrets of various individuals on a postcard. PostSecret.

It’s interesting, and eye opening to see the various problems and secrets that people have.

It’s good, when I realize that my secret isn’t so bad after seeing some of the secrets that people have.

It’s a motivating thing, to see a blog medium that motivates people to avoid suicide.

As you read the blog, the HopeLine phone number is provided. There you can talk about your problems as you decide whether to jump down a tall building. It’s the next level after submitting your secret in a postcard.

It’s really a blog to help people talk about their problems and deal with it.
And that’s a commendable effort and a inspiring thing.

It’s funny, to see some ridiculous secret that people have.

For example,

I thought my dick was a bad thing when I was small.

I shit in my pants many times when I was a kid.

The girl I love scares and beat the hell out of me.

I’m a guy who cries when I’m angry.

You get the idea.

No one will benefit from suppressing their bad thoughts and secrets. One will have to deal with their inner demons sooner or later. It really helps to talk to someone, or just to let someone know. It makes you feel better.

PostSecret lets you do just that.

No matter if you’re a postcard submitter or reader, it really benefits everyone.

Then again the donating part is a little strange. I don’t see proof.

I don’t know if I’m donating to help the needy, or scum who are scamming good intentions for money. It’d be nice if they showed a link or some kind of proof that they are the real deal.

Trust people, but don’t trust the devil in them.

I might just post my secret one day.

Hey, I could do it here.

My secret…

Is…

That…

I don’t have secrets.

Read PostSecret

I would like to share the story of a Chinese Kid monk.

When he was a boy, he was adopted by the monastery when his parents passed away.
He did not know how to read or write since he was poor, and did badly in day to day lessons. He did so bad up to the point that he was called “stupid” by other kids.

One day he met the Master of the temple.

Master : What’s troubling you, young one ?
Kid Monk : Sir, I’m sad that I’m stupid.
Master : Ho ho ho, you’re not stupid, if you know that you’re stupid.
Kid Monk : I am stupid…. So I’m not stupid…?
Master : Precisely. Hohohoohohohoh !
Kid Monk : *Smiles.*

And then the Kid Monk ran to the other kids and started proclaiming how stupid he was.
And then he said “you’re not stupid if you know you’re stupid”.
All the kids were confused by that phrase. And all came to the conclusion that the Kid Monk wasn’t so stupid after all to be able to confuse them all. The Kid Monk then became a genius that helped people to proclaim how stupid they were. To prove they weren’t stupid.

End of story.

You’re not stupid if you know you’re stupid.

Confused ? Same here.

Took me a while to realize the inner meaning.

Being stupid means you can’t think straight, it’s like being a babbling lunatic.
If you can think that you’re stupid, it means you still have a mind. You can still think.
That you’re stupid. But you’re not stupid if you think you’re stupid.

Get it ?

So guys.

Go out there, and proclaim how stupid you are.

You’re not stupid if you know you’re stupid.

Then again I’d prefer to know that I’m not stupid by taking an IQ test, thank you very much. Always wanted to know my Intelligence Quotient.

So I went and took an IQ test online by tickle.

Here’s how stupid I am.

Not bad…140.

I’m a visionary philosopher.

Highly intelligent.

Have powerful mix of skills.

Exceptional math and verbal skills.

I’m a bloody equivalent of Plato ! Some famous Greek philosopher in the past !

This is a much better way to show that I’m not stupid.

Then again you can go ahead with the “proclaiming how stupid you are” idea if you’d like.

The average UK Tickle user has an IQ of 119.73, by the way.
What’s yours ?

Find out how stupid/smart you are.