The Internet Explorer

You must be wondering about the lack of shits recently.

a) I lost my fingers ice skating… I fell.. and… and.. that bloody girl was skating so fast… the iceblades…chopped ma FINGERSSS !!!!……..sob. That’s why I couldn’t blog. I am currently typing with my tongue. Yeehhck.

b) I died. Saving a 10 year old boy who was foolishly picking up a ball in the street. The cars were coming in on him, I dived in and pushed him away… and I got mowed down by 2 cars.. going each in the opposite direction. Splitting up in two isn’t fun. Somehow I am blogging from the heavens. We just got broadband.

c) I was chopping vegetables…. and suddenly the kitchen exploded and the burning vegetables flew at my eyeballs and made me blind. So I couldn’t blog for a while. But now a speech recognizing program can type all my words ! Wait.. or maybe it was that nuclear bomb I tested. I can’t tell. My brain is so screwed up.

d) I realised that I achieved my goal and decided to stop writing for a while. The point was to make people explore the internet…. and have fun. Also, to see how many people would love reading shit. At hundred+ new readers per week, and 10 thousand+ readers, it’s amazing. I achieved my goal. As the saying goes, all good shit must end. We prove it everyday in the toilet. But do not fear, I will shit. One day. A good shit is yet to come, I can feel it rumbling in me.

PS : Oh, it’s just chocolate ice cream up there. Don’t be insane, I did not just shit into a bowl and took a picture of it. I pity you if you couldn’t tell the difference. How the hell do you manage to lick your chocolate ice cream I haven’t the slightest idea.

NO, I’m not talking about the ability to withstand a bullet with your eyeballs !

I’m talking about his ability to super-speed-read !

The activity of reading is trivial, and most of us don’t really improve our reading skills. Considering that it is something that all of us use every single day of our life, I think it’s a worthy skill to improve.

One of my favorite ways to read is to Speed-Read, basically blazing past a thick fat wad of words and get all the key points and retain that information as quickly as possible and move on from there.

In other words, I have superman’s eyeballs.

I currently read at the speed of 1000 words per minute !

Gradually, I’m still trying to improve my speed without affecting my ability to comphrehend and retain all that shit I’m fitting into my brain.

(note : DO NOT SPEED-READ IF YOU ARE STUDYING COMPLEX MATERIAL THAT NEEDS MORE THINKING PROCESS. YOU WILL VERY LIKELY NOT SUCCEED AND FAIL FAIL FAIL THAT EXAM. )

So here’s two ways you can get superman’s eyeballs.

I’ve covered Zapreader in the past, and I’m introducing a new program I’ve discovered, the spreeder !

Click : Use spreeder to get superman’s eyeballs.

Click : Use zapreader to get superman’s eyeballs.

It’s been a long time since I dumbfucked the public.

Yes, it’s time.

It’s time for the DO YOU HAVE ENOUGH BRAINS trivia !

DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES IN YOUR BRAINS TO IDENTIFY VICTIMS ?

Victim number 1 :

This guy has a great sense of humor.

He has pretty decent drawing skills.

He is one of the most famous people in the world.

He is a vegetarian.

His work is published in thousands of newspapers in the world.

Focal dystonia affected his ability to draw since late 2004. Somehow he fooled his brain by drawing using a graphics tablet. Then on December 2005, he suffered from spasmodic dysphonia which caused his vocal cords to behave abnormally. Somehow he developed his own method to still speak normally.

This dude can really overcome whatever shit life throws at him.

So ?

Don’t know ?

You suck.

Well you probably wouldn’t, unless you’ve seen this.

Yessss, he is the creator of the popular dilbert comic strip. Scott Adams.

If you have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about, here you go.
Click : Dilbert Comic Archive

If you are a regular dilbert reader, you may wanna check out his blog. It’s the same ingenious humor presented in writing.
Click : Scott Adam’s Blog

WARNING : PLEASE STOP READING IF YOU ARE LACKING THE BRAINS.
Victim number 2 :

This guy has a great sense of humor.

He has pretty decent drawing skills.

He is one of the most famous people in the world. People know his name, but none has ever seen his face. He prefers to live a quiet peaceful life.

His work is published in thousands of newspapers in the world.

Despite pressure from publishers to merchandise his work, which would make millions and millions, he refused. He felt it would cheapen his comics. The characters and their personalities mattered more than bling bling. What a guy. A total bloody idiot, and yet respectable at the same time.

So ?

Don’t know ?

What ? You know it’s a comic author but you don’t know the name ?
Well that’s the same as not knowing who it is anyways ! You still suck !

Well you probably wouldn’t, unless you’ve seen this.

YESSS, I’m talking about the most mysterious newspaper comic writer of all time, Bill Watterson !!

Here’s calvin and hobbes, it’s the best of the best !

Click : Read CALVIN AND HOBBES

WARNING : PLEASE STOP READING IF YOU ARE STILL LACKING THE BRAINS.

Victim Number 3 :

This guy has a great sense of humor.

He has pretty decent drawing skills.

He is one of the most famous people in the world.

His work is published in thousands of newspapers in the world.

He majored in physics at college, and took first place among sophomores in a mathematics prize examination.

So ?

Don’t know ?

What ? You say it’s a comic author again ?

Wrong.

Wrong.

Wrong.

Wrong.

Wrong.

Wrong.

Wrong.

Wrong.

Wrong.

WHY OH WHY DO YOU SUCK SO MUCH ????

He’s actually a partime-cartoonist. Details, people, details.
I don’t think you know his name either.

Well you probably wouldn’t, unless you’ve seen this.

YESSS, It’s the creator of FOXTROT, the image of american culture itself ! BILL AMEND !

He recently decided to take a break and start enjoying his life. He now only draws one episode per week, for sundays. Expect to see this dude skydiving, climbing mountains and jumping over lavas.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, check it out.

Click : Read FOXTROT

CONSIDER YOURSELF EDUCATED.

A lot of people read newspapers. I, of course, being THE INTERNET EXPLORER reads the majority of my news online.

Seriously, I laugh at every person I see buying the paper newspaper. Reading the news online is free, faster, easier, and there are videos available as well.

To People Who Still Reads Traditional Newspapers :

HA HA HA HA HAH HAHAHAHAHAHH YOU SUCK.

But online newspapers lacks the one quality of a traditional “newspaper”.

Where’s the daily comics for the “online newspapers” ??

I’d like to think that after reading about all the pure shit in the world (important so that you know your shit), there should be some good shit to enjoy too.

It’s all about balance I tell yah.

So being the great and kind person I am, I’ll recommend an online newspaper comic database for those of you who are missing out on the good stuff.

Click : Awesome List of a bunch of newspaper comics !

By the way.

The top 3 among my list of newspaper comics is dilbert, foxtrot, and calvinandhobbes.
Neutralize the pure shit with good shit, people !

Congratulations, now you can fully enjoy the experience of the NEWSPAPER, online.

This is the survey I created a long time ago. I was annoyed that there were so many stupid surveys out there in friendster and facebook, where people would answer questions about themselves, believing that people will actually give a damn.

Who gives a damn whether you cried recently ??  

So I unleashed a new type of survey, something people will actually read. Something that actually entertains. Something that will turn over your brains.

Yes, little boys and girls, I present to you.

The Survey That Matters.

This are all real world situations that might happen to you one day.

This are the important questions and situations you will face one day.

This are situations that can only be dealt with properly with good brains, and a little courage.

Will you have what it takes to do what you need to do ?

Feel free to copy the questions, answer and post it in the comments.

What Would You Do? 

1. You and your best male friend are walking by a  beach.  All of the sudden, your friend yells in pain !!! You see a snake hanging by his “penis” !!  He  whacks the snake away and unzips, and the skin that  was bitten turns purple..!!  It’s poisonous.  He looks at  you with eyes pleading for help, there’s only one way  out.  Suck it out with your mouth.  Would you ??

 This sucks.  It’s my best friend, man.  I’ll chop it off with  a knife.  Problem solved.  And then give him some  super glue. Ahahha !! No wait !!  Find a prostitute to  do a emergency blowjob !! Yeahhh….  

2.  You’re swimming in a swimming pool in the night, with another lady in there.  She suddenly have leg cramps, and starts to sink.  You save her, and found out that she inhaled too much water.  She can’t breath.  About to commit CPR… you realize that she  has pimples and blisters all over her lips. Would  you ??

I would…. take a newspaper, roll it into a cylinder, and blow it hard like hell into her mouth.  Problem solved. Or a hammer to the stomach. 

3.  Your cousin, a 1 year old baby is being babysitted  by you.  All of the sudden she starts crying.  She’s wheezing for breath.  You find out that her nose is stuck with mucus, and desperately try to make her blow it out with a tissue.  No good.  She’s too young. Only one other option.  YOU SUCK THE MUCUS OUT DIRECTLY.  Would you ?? 

Goddamnit……………….I’ll fucking shut my eyes and  just do it.  It’s a baby’s life after all.  And I have some orange flavored listerine to wash my mouth after this…ordeal.

 4.  You and your brother/sister are playing outside.   You guys are wearing short pants.  A YELLOW  POISONOUS BUMBLE BEE APPEARS, and stings  your brother/sister’s asshole !! You know where we’re going with this by now.  Would you…?? 

Asshole.. poison sting.. huh.  I’ll run back home as soon as possible, get my trusty vacuum cleaner, and  SUCK THE SHIT AND POISON OUTTA MY  BROTHER !!  Phew. I won’t be sucking on nobody’s asshole !!

  5.  You and a friend a climbing a snow mountain.   ALL OF THE SUDDEN YOU SEE A WAVE OF SNOW COMING AT YOU.  You and your friend ran and ducked under a rock.  You’re now covered with thick piles of snow.  Your friend hit his head on the  tone.  He is dying slowly.  5 days passes…. he is on the verge of dying.  He tells you jokingly, “eat me if I die, yeah ?  I don’t want you to die of hunger, ever.” He then dies.  Now you’re dying from starvation.   Rescuers are trying their best to reach you.  You  need to survive for a bit longer.  His arm looks appetizing.  Looks like KFC.  Would you ?? 

Holy shit.  Aaa……… depends.  Do I have a knife and fork with me ?  Ahahahah.  I would do it.  Life is worth fighting for, and my friend wouldn’t mind.  He’s dead, anyways.  He would want me to survive, and I will try my best to do so. I just hope his parents will let me go to his funeral.

I just watched Casino Royale, the latest 007 Bond movie.

No, no, I didn’t watch it because of the action or the absense of pussybonds. (yes, the great 007 is finally muscular)

That’s what a cold blooded assassin should be. Cool. Strong. Manly. MUSCLES.

What the fuck…. ? Where’s the muscle ?

WHAT THE FUCKK……!!!??? FLABBY ARMS !!

Oh god mah eyeballs hurt !!!

Anyways.

I watched the movie because I was promised one thing.

The birth of James Bond, the 007 agent.

Yes, it was that simple. And the sex scene with the Bond girls was a small motivation too.

In the beginning of the movie he said all it took was two kills, to be a double-O agent.

Obviously that’s a lie, a hidden veil to cover the REAL reason how Bond became the famous 007 agent.

I mean, the number of people he’s killed is uncountable. His piercing blue eyes is enough to cause an heart attack of an elderly gay man staring from far far away. Please. 2 people killed just to be a double-O agent ? No way. Too easy.

If you’ve seen the movie, think about it.

What is the most famous trait about the 007 agent ? What defines the very essence of every James Bond ?

No, it’s not like he’s famous for his awesome kungfu and gun skills.

We have Jackie Chan and Rambo for that.

It’s his tradition of sleeping with various girls in his Bond career. Why else would there be a new Bond Girl in every single damn film ?

He does this with utter confidence that one does not see often.

Not a care in the world.

He lives by the simple rule, “I came, I saw, I banged.”

And how did he get that confidence is really, REALLY THE BEGINNING OF THE 007 LEGACY.

I’ll tell you now. But you might want to watch the movie to see it for yourself.

James Bond’s balls got crushed.

Yes, you actually see this on the movie, on a torture scene where he laughs.

He laughs happily at the torturer who was smacking his balls with a whip-like-device. REALLY. IN THE MOVIE.

With a crushed ball, he can never make a women pregnant. Which is why he dares to sleep with so many different women !! There’s no fear of having to be RESPONSIBLE.

To think that the birth of the 007 agent was a set of crushed balls.

Somehow I don’t feel the “coolness” of saying the magic words anymore.

Each time I say, “The name’s Bond, James Bond.”

I think “The name’s Ball, Jabbed Ball.”

Goddamnit.

Once upon a time ago, a strange thing happened at Technorati.

(an internet search engine for blogs).

The no.1 search was Dawn Yang.

Immediately I thought to myself, “who the hell is this person ? Why is she the number one searched person ??”

So then I did what any sane internet explorer would do. I googled Dawn Yang.

And I found the blog of this girl.

So it’s a pretty girl. Figures. But why all the attention ? There are plenty of beautiful female bloggers.

I then found out that there was a controversy of whether she went through plastic surgery to enhance her looks. Dawn Yang completely denies this.

In other words, people who have been ogling at that beautiful face for months realized that they were looking at silicone instead of human skin. Or maybe people are just jealous idiots. Or maybe this world is full of immature idiots who can’t accept the fact that people enhance their looks.

I mean, we see people like that everyday on television. Actors aren’t born with good looks too often, you know.

Anyways I’ll leave you the power to be an immature idiot for once.
This is one of her pictures in the past.

And now let’s compare again with this.

Hmmmm. Is that really the result of plastic surgery ?

I will now perform my highly exclaimed born male ogling analysis.

Her skin turned much fairer ! But a good session of peeling your skin off with your bare hands and growing it back can do that.

Her eyes are bigger and and eyelashes looks dazzling ! But she could’ve punched her eyeballs repeatedly to enlarge them. And eyelashes can be buffed up with ordinary makeup.

Her eyebrows are so in line with her eyes ! But a good clipper with proper hand dexterity and a mirror can do that.

Her lips look so hot and sexy ! But stretching and pulling her lips for years can do that.

Her boobs are bigger ! But a good smacking of one own boobs with a hammer can do that.

So really, she might just be the original stuff.

Then again, if she really went through plastic surgery, it does not change the fact that she is beautiful.

I think it takes a lot of courage and commitment (and money) to ask a doctor to cut your face. But it also takes a lot of stupidity, in Michael Jackson’s case.

We all want to be beautiful.

That’s why we shave our excess hair and mess with our hair every morning. Some dares to take it to the next level. That’s the simple truth.

Consider a world where women don’t give a shit about being beautiful. I’m talking about streets filled with walking monsters with bushy armpit hairs and unshaved legs, combined with earthquakes resulting from all the fat and thick moustaches that shames the men’s, it’s a total nightmare.

All this proves a certain fact, plastic surgery rocks.

Then again, I’m biased as hell.

I mean, I myself went through surgery.

Now I look like the combination of Brad Pit, Tom Cruise and George Clooney. And I also got a new 15-inch cock. My pants is the hottest pants you will ever see.

I’m still running away from hundreds of girls who wants to rape me.

Click : Dawn Yang’s Blog

Click : A more detailed bitching of her looks

I’m sure all of us internet explorers has youtubed.

You know, the popular free video sharing Web site which lets users upload, view, and share video clips ?
You know, the one having idiots roaming everywhere in the cyberspace ?

Whether it’s the american pokemon singing idiots or the chinese backstreet boys singing idiots, all the idiots are here in one online package for you to enjoy.

One thing that not many people know is that there are various alternatives to waste your time watching idiots online.

(There are actually many other mediums to watch videos.)

Some of them have so much more idiots in it. In other words, Youtube isn’t very fun compared with various video mediums online.

Let’s look at Metacafe.com.

By far it’s my favorite road to video entertainment.

That’s because it’s so easy to get the good stuff. The most viewed, top rated videos, are on the main page. On Youtube, you would actually have to click, like, 4 more times to get to the good stuff.

And the material at Youtube is not really entertaining. It is getting more commercialized and having less insane videos. Where’s my idiots ?

Okay, okay, so you might argue that I’m a big fat lazy bum with a fat finger and Youtube rules.

You bloody idiot. Metacafe is really better, you know. It’s so much more fun.
I shall do a direct comparison at this exact moment.
This are Metacafe videos. (on the main page)

This are Youtube videos. (on the main page)

So you see, Metacafe has much more packaged entertaining material.

But hey, don’t take my word for it like a dumbass. Try it for yourself and you decide.

Explore Metacafe !

Other than that, there are plenty more mediums to choose from.

Explore Go Fish !
Explore Google Video!
Explore Break !
Explore Filmmaker’s Heaven !

Hope you have an even more awesome video sharing experience.

Do you know about the website that hosts various flash animations and games (made by various talented people) ?

Yeah, the one that allows its users to submit their own flash movies, games, and music, and view submissions from other users ?

The one with 1 million registered members and over 300,000 flash submissions ?

The one that has so many animations and bullshit, enough to waste your entire life on it ?

The one that has so many cool animations you never thought was possible with just flash ?

I’m talking about Newgrounds.

The website has been up since 1995, with Tom Fulp, who still maintains every aspect and regularly produces in-house content.

There’s one distinct thing about this website compared with other flash websites.

It has a sophisticated and impartial automated submission/rating system.

I have to warn you. Don’t click on that link up there yet. Don’t.

This knowledge is dangerous. You may be trapped there forever !!
Think about the 300,000 flash animations available there……!
Damn it, I might be creating a new spawn of fat bums with carpal tunnel syndrome.

But hey, it’s worth it.

Before you go venture into the world of endless flash animation, let me give you a few links of the really awesome ones you gotta see. Oh, oh yes, there’s violence and gore.

MADNESS.

Brutal Stickmen.

Cute Bunnies Play.

Cute Bunnies Play Somemore.

White Bunny…!! Noo!!.

The rest of the awesome flash animations are usually categorized as Series.

Oh.

If I see any of you dying over the computer on the news, with the title “Idiot died watching animation non-stop for days without shitting”

I’ll laugh at you.

I never thought I’d be saying this.

People, don’t be scammed by love.

No, I’m not trying to claim that love only leads to cheating and sadness.

I’m talking about the recent issue that there have been an increasing number of individuals who fell victim to Romance Scammers, online.

Nowadays there are a lot of people finding love online.

No matter if it’s through MySpace, Msn, Yahoo Personals, Friendster, the point is that you might be cheated out of love in the future, if you’re not careful.

What is a Romance Scammer ?

Someone who talks to you, pampers you with flowers and gifts, and makes you trust them. Love them. Then they create sympathetic stories and ask you for money. Then they leave you. Heartbroken, and cheated.

Some of you might say, who the hell would be stupid enough to give money to an online stranger ?

But hey, people who are in Love, do stupid things.

The impact towards victims is immense.

Imagine talking and loving someone for months, someone who you thought
was going to be your life partner.

And before you know it, you’ve lost thousands of dollars and ended up with a broken heart. And then you will find it harder to trust anyone and be succumbed into a world
full of evil and loneliness…. and then you die. Regretting how you’ve should’ve let go and give love a chance.

So then it brings the question of how are we supposed to know
what is truly love ?

Simple.

Most of this Romance Scammers originate from Nigeria, Russia, and West Africa.

You tell them that you’re in town, and you have an emergency. You want to meet them.
Use their own stories against them.

If they are fakes, they would’ve made a pathetic excuse and therefore they will be exposed immediately.

If they are the real deal, they will offer to come and help you. Then you can explain that it was a joke. No harm done.

Then again, the best way, is to ask them questions that will reaffirm their identity.

Ask about the places they claim to come from, how is it like, and check it yourself online.

I do not think that these scammers will know specific details of a certain country and culture.

I hope that those of you that are finding love online will truly find love. Be cautious. Be open.

You might just get what you wish for.

Be Careful of your Love.